Twilight: Chapter 3, part 2

[See first part of Chapter 3 snark here.]

When they get home, Charlie tells Bella he told Renée what happened, and Bella is none too pleased. Um, that’s your mom. I think he did the right thing, even if you don’t think it was a big deal...

So she calls her mom, who is totally freaking out, and brings up the “I’m fine” total to at least 280388574896. Her mom begs her to come home, but putting aside the fact that no one is even there at the moment, Bella doesn’t want to because she’s already obsessed with the mysterious Edward. She thinks, “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” to herself, but it doesn’t really stop her.

She goes to bed early and—we are informed this is just the first time—dreams of Douchey McDoucherson.

* * *

Is it just me or, despite the fact that Bella almost died crushed between a van and a truck, was this chapter exceedingly boring? I’m sorry if my snark reflects how bored I was with this one.

Twilight: Chapter 3

3. Phenomenon

Bella wakes up to a snowy winter wonderland and groans. WHERE IS YOUR SOUL?

Okay, yeah, the icy layer that was yesterday’s rain (the rain you happily preferred over the snow, if I remember correctly, Bella) makes drivingand, for one such as Bella, walking a dangerous endeavor. But snow! It’s pretty! But she does make a fair point: “I had enough trouble not falling down when the ground was dry; it might be safer for me to go back to bed now.”

Charlie’s already gone to work, so it’s just Bella, cereal and OJ. She considers the fact that she’s excited to go to school, and the fact that it’s for no reason other than OMG EDWARD IS THERE.

She admits that this is “very, very stupid,” but I think she thinks so for the wrong reasons. She thinks she should avoid him because of her “brainless and embarrassing babbling” the day before. Blerg. Okay, but also because he lied about his eyes, which is weird, and there’s still that whole unexplained-hostility thing, with the fist clenching and whatnot. But here is the thing. In the same sentence that she mentions his frightening hostilityin the same sentenceshe says “and I was still tongue-tied whenever I pictured his perfect face.” So... yeah.

Also we get the bit of faux-modesty, faux-outcast bit where “[her] league and his league were spheres that did not touch.” Because she’s awkward, Plain-Jane Mary Sue and Edward is so, so shiny.

Somehow Bella survives the walk down the driveway to the car. Somehow.

To distract herself from the black-icy doom that is the route to school, as well as the black-icy doom of Edward, Bella turns her thoughts to the two boys who have shown interest in her, Mike (puppydog) and Eric (dork). She wonders why boys like her here and not in Phoenix. Maybe it’s something about the fact that (a) despite your protestations, we know you’re far from hideous, and (b) they don’t know you yet! Haha. I’m a bitch.

She is disconcerted by the attentions of Mike and Eric. “I wasn’t sure if I didn’t prefer being ignored.” Bella, given your immediate attraction to Edward, I’d say this is without a doubt the case.

The drive to school is surprisingly easy.

When she gets to school, she realizes this is because Charlie has put snow chains on her tires. She tears up at the thought that anyone would do something so nice for her. Then she hears a screech.

She looks up and notices FIRSTLY that Edward Cullen is staring at her in horror. And SECONDLY, that she’s standing in the path of a van skidding across the icy parking lot towards her truck.

Moments before the impact, Bella gets hit to the asphalt. “I felt something solid and cold pinning me to the ground.” Oh, I just bet you did. But the van is still coming! It hit the corner of her truck and it is still spinning! I wonder how the person inside the van is faring through all of this.

As the van continues towards her, she hears someone swear and “the voice was impossible not to recognize.” Gee, who could it possibly be? His hands shoot out and “the van shuddered to a stop a foot from my face, the large hands fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van’s body.” I guess by this she means that she believes this dent was already there, and the hands happened to have landed in that spot. Providentially. Who the hell says that?

Then the hands blurred as the quickly swung her legs around and then “the van settled, glass popping, onto the asphalt.” Yeah, I really wonder how the person in the van is faring.

Then everyone starts screaming! Edward asks in a low voice if she’s all right. She says she’s fine and tries to get up but he’s holding her against his body in an iron grip! Hot damn!

He warns Bella that she hit her head pretty hard, and as soon as he tells her this, she feels a throbbing pain. Apparently this is amusing, because his voice sounds like he is trying to suppress laughter. Haha, concussions! Hilarious.

She asks him how he got over there so fast, and he says he was standing right next to her. He releases her and lets her sit up, and she looks into his golden eyes and forgets what she was saying.

Then people come over shouting and crying. Someone shouts to get Tyler out of the van. Poor Tyler.

Bella tries to stand & Edward holds her down & tells her to stay put. She complains that it’s cold and he starts chuckling, but then when she says “You were over there,” he stops. He denies this. Bella insists she saw him over there. Edward again insists he was standing next to her, and pulled her out of the way. He looks at her as he says this, and “unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes.” Whoa now.

Bella: “No.” His eyes flash and then he pleads with her to agree with him. She makes him promise to explain everything later, and he angrily agrees.

Then the EMTs come. Edward refuses a stretcher but he tells them that he thinks Bella has a concussion, so they make her put on a neck brace (she’s very embarrassed about this) and get on a stretcher. Edward got to sit in the front of the ambulance. “Chief Swan” arrives and freaks out that his daughter is on a stretcher. Bella, exasperated, assures him she’s fine. He asks the EMTs and she starts trying to piece together what just happened.

She remembers a dent in the bumper the shape of Edward’s shoulder. She remembers that his family looked on but didn’t seem concerned for his safety. She tries to come up with an explanation for what she saw that does not preclude sanity.

When they get to the hospital, she’s wheeled in on the stretcher while Edward just glides in on his own two feet. This frustrates Bella.

In the ER, she decides that she gets to take off the neck brace because it looks stupid. When no one’s looking, she unfastens it t& throws it under the bed.

Then another stretcher comes in. It’s Tyler! His head is wrapped in bloody bandages. “Tyler looked a hundred times worse than I felt.” I’m willing to bet, given the severity of his injuries, he might feel worse than you feel, too, Bella. Also he thought he was gonna kill you.

He apologizes to Bella for almost killing her.

Bella is like, dude, I’m fine. But you don’t look to good. As the nurses remove his bandages to reveal myriad scratches all over his face. Tyler is all I thought I was going to kill you! How’d you get out of the way? And Bella becomes complicit in Edward’s lie as she says he was next to her and pulled her out of the way. Tyler buys it because, yeah, everything did happen really fast, and Edward could have been there without him noticing. Since he was so busy careening out of control and all.

Bella is worried she’s crazy because she knows what really happened but she doesn’t know how it’s possible.

Then they X-rayed Bella’s head! Surprisingly enough, there’s nothing wrong with her up there. Look harder, docs! Hehe.

But she still has to talk to a doctor so she can’t leave. And Tyler keeps apologizing. Bella closes her eyes and tries to ignore him, when the musical voice of Edward lilts its way to her ears.

Edward smirks. Bella glares.

Tyler tries to apologize to Edward but he cuts him off. Then he returns to smirking at Bella. Wow, charming.

So Bella asks why Edward isn’t “strapped to a gurney” and it’s because he’s got connections. Cue young, blond, handsome, pale doctor. Bella knows this is Edward’s father because he’s so damn handsome, just like her father said (gaaaay!).

Dr. Cullen asks Bella how she’s feeling, and for the 280388574834th time, she says she’s fine, he looks at the X-rays and says they look good, and asks if her head hurts. For the 280388574835th time, Bella says she’s fine. Also she scowls at Edward.

Dr. Cullen pokes her tender head and she winces, but insists she’s fine. Edward chuckles & looks at her patronizingly. Really, what a charmer! Don’t know how she’s managing to resist.

Oh, that’s right: barely.

So Dr. Cullen says that Charlie is in the waiting room and she can go home. But Bella wants to go to school! Doctor’s orders are that she should take it easy for the day. She asks if Edward gets to go to school, and he says someone needs to let everyone know they all survived.

Then Dr. Cullen points out that most of the school is in the waiting room. Wait, seriously? I mean, I know it’s a small school, but... it’s still a school. The teachers and administration were okay with this?

Bella is not pleased to learn there are so many people there. Dr. Cullen asks if she wants to stay in the hospital and she insists not, and (a bit too emphatically) jumps down from the bed.

And almost falls over. But it’s not because of the concussion! It’s because she’s pretty much incapable of standing upright under any circumstances. Maybe you have an inner ear problem, Bella. Maybe you should tell Dr. Cullen. Or some doctor. And maybe they can do something about it.

Dr. Cullen tells Bella to take Tylenol for the pain—something I’m about ready to do—and that she was extremely lucky. Bella adds that she was lucky Edward was standing next to her (glaring at Edward as she does so), and Dr. Cullen gets all weird. He knows! This makes Bella want to talk to Edward RIGHT NOW OMG. While Dr. C is talking to Tyler, Bella asks Edward if she can talk to him for a minute. She’s hissing. His jaw is clenched. Such chemistry.

Edward angrily stalks to an empty hallway and Bella follows. He turns, glaring, and asks what she wants. Bella reminds him that he promised to explain everything, that he owes her an explanation. He snarls that he saved her life—he doesn’t owe her anything! Wow, what a douche.

She says he promised. He tries to convince her that she hit her head too hard and doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She gets mad and says there’s nothing wrong with her head! She wants to know why she’s lying for him.

Edward, still angry, asks what she thinks happened.

She quickly spills everything she noticed earlier – he was nowhere near her, he left dents in the van, he’s not hurt, he held it off the ground to keep her legs from getting smashed...

Edward acts like she’s a crazy person. “Nobody will believe you, you know.” Bella says she doesn’t intend to tell anyone, she just doesn’t like to lie, so she wants to know there’s a good reason for it.

Edward: “Can’t you just thank me and get over it?” Seriously, guys, what a charmer!

The answer, by the way, is no. She thanks him but continues to wait for an explanation. He asks if she’s going to let it go, and she says no.

Then he totally steals a line from The Princess Bride—only slightly different—“I hope you enjoy disappointment.” It’s like he’s the man in black, and she’s Inigo. Okay, it’s really not much like that, at all.

The scowl at each other, while Bella tries not to be “distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.” Ugh.

She asks why he bothered saving her at all and he gets all angsty for a second and says in a whisper that he doesn’t know. Then he walks away.

For a few minutes she’s so angry she can’t walk (don’t you have that problem even when you’re not angry?). Then she goes out into the waiting room where half of Forks, including Charlie, is waiting. Bella tells him (for the 280388574836th time) that she’s fine, and that Dr. Cullen said she can go home.

During the drive, Bella keeps thinking about what happened and how Edward acted when she confronted him.

Twilight: Chapter 2

2. Open Book

Second day of school: no rain, and no Edward.

This first point is a good thing, the second is... not? “All morning I was dreading lunch, fearing his bizarre glares.” Yet his absence is upsetting.

The night before, Bella had imagined what she would say to Edward, although she didn't expect to actually say any of it (I actually love “I made the Cowardly Lion look like the terminator.”).

When she gets to lunch and sees that Edward isn't there, she's all uneasy. She sits with Mike and Jessica while “waiting nervously for the moment [Edward] would arrive.” She hopes he'll ignore her “proving [her] suspicions false.” It isn't really explained what exactly her suspicions are,  but okay.

She walks to Biology with Mike (who is likened to a dog... and this is the boy she thinks is nice! Blah.), and Edward isn't there either. Mike talks to her until class starts and smiles “wistfully” at her before going to his assigned seat next to a way uglier girl. Then Bella is like “oh crap how do I let this dog boy down easy?” And claims she's never encountered “overly friendly boys” before. Ohhhh sure. Because you're a freak, right? But at least you don't have braces and a bad perm. Ugh. She's fake-insecure in that way that girls who are pretty and really know they're pretty pretend they don't know they're pretty. Or she wouldn't be passing judgments on other girls. Nor, I think, would she be assuming this friendly guy was “overly” so, in a way that required diplomatic, tactful rejection.

She tries (not very hard) to convince herself that she is relieved, and not totally disappointed, that Edward isn't there. But she can't help but think his absence has something to do with her! Bella admits it's egotistical and somehow we're still supposed to believe she's the awkward insecure girl. WHATEVS.

After school she rushes to her car to avoid her “retriever friend” (as in golden), which is such a shitty nickname to give someone who is friendly to you, and um I don't see how he's following you like a puppy dog if he's walking with you TO THE CLASS YOU HAVE TOGETHER. Bluh.

Oh, this is rich: “Last night I'd discovered that Charlie couldn't cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay. He was willing enough to hand over the keys to the banquet hall. I also found out that he had no food in the house. So I had my shopping list and the cash from the jar in the cupboard labeled FOOD MONEY, and I was on my way to Thriftway.” There are so many things wrong with this picture. I just need to punch things right now.

Okay, FIRSTLY: Charlie, the grown adult man who has been living on his own for nearly the duration of Bella's life, can't cook food? This is beyond ludicrous. Wouldn't he be horribly malnourished and have some terrible illness by now? I don't accept this. Plus, if she's been staying with him for months at a time all her life (summer visits mentioned last chapter), how did they eat then? And how did she just discover that he can't cook if she's stayed with him before?

Then there is the whole OH DADDY YOU ARE AN INCOMPETENT MAN IN THE KITCHEN, AREN'T YOU LUCKY THAT I AS A LADY CAN HELP YOU NOW AND COOK COOK COOK LIKE A LADY IS SUPPOSED TO DO? Barefoot in the kitchen! Bella knows her place! And likes it!

I also don't see why he'd have no food in the house. But I don't even have the energy to go into that.

I also don't know why a man who lives alone would need a jar labeled FOOD MONEY. Unless he created it just as of Bella's arrival, for just such a situation as this. Bella: she shops and cooks! She's like the housewife he never had! Who is also his daughter! Okay, we won't go down THAT road.

So she sees the Cullens (minus Edward) and the Hale twins get into their shiny new car in their shiny new clothes and is like “Oh, they're beautiful AND rich. Isn't that always the way?” And I guess it frequently is. After all, when you're rich, you can BUY the looks. Not that they did. But. I'm just saying in this instance maybe Bella has a wee bit of a point.

Although, Bill Gates kind of goes against that theory.

Bella gets to the supermarket and feels at home (of course, because she's all domestic). Apparently she did the shopping for her mom, too. If her parents are both so incompetent, how did they both manage to live on their own when Bella was still too young to take care of them? Yeesh.

She gets home, and she unloads the groceries, “stuffing them in wherever I could find an open space.” THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

Ahem.

Gets some potatoes a-bakin' in the oven and some steak a-marinatin' in the fridge, then goes upstairs to change into dry clothes (I thought this day was better because it was cloudy but not raining? Whatever, I don't care) and check her email.

All three of them are spazzy emails from her mom. WHY HAVEN'T YOU EMAILED ME YET? OMG WTF AHHH.

So she sends her mom a calming email, talks her off the ledge of OMG calling her dad, and then starts another email. Presumably to be more informative but really the new one is barely more informative than the first one and couldn't have taken her more than 5 minutes to write. So I don't know why she didn't just send that one to begin with.

AHEM.

She reminds her mother to breathe and then she begins to reread Wuthering Heights “for fun” because, remember folks, she has already studied EVERYTHING EVER. I still think it would behoove you to remember the nuances of the text for class discussions, Bella. Fun my ass.

Her dad gets home and she goes down to “bustle about the kitchen” (her words) while her dad hangs up his gun belt. Guys, she figures he thinks she's old enough not to accidentally shoot herself (BUT I WOULDN'T PUT THIS PAST SOMEONE WHO CAN BARELY WALK), and not depressed enough to shoot herself on purpose (no, this is not her preferred method of shuffling off this mortal coil).

Ever the family to look a gift horse in the mouth, rather than acting grateful that his daughter is cooking him a full home-cooked meal, he warily asks what's for dinner. When reassured that it's the good American dish of steak and potatoes, he goes to sit in front of the TV while Bella plays the good little lady in the kitchen. WHERE LADIES BELONG.

She calls Charlie in for dinner. Yar, she's like mom/wife and it kind of creeps me out? They eat in silence and then he asks how school is. She says there's some girl Jessica and some guy Mike who's “very friendly” (you don't want to tell your dad how he reminds you of a dog?). She says: everybody seems pretty nice. She thinks: except this one dude but I can't get him out of my head anyway!

Then she asks him about the Cullens, mentions they seem out of place, and then Charlie gets mad!

Apparently the Cullens get crap from some folks in the town for being outsiders or something. We learn that Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon, and his family takes camping trips every other weekend, and the kids never give Charlie any trouble.

After the longest speech of Charlie's life, Bella says Oh, jk, I just meant they keep to themselves. They're totally hot! To which Charlie replies, “You should see the doctor.” AHA! So THAT'S why their marriage didn't work out. And why he's still single. It all makes sense. (I'm not kidding. This is exactly what he says.)

Back to silence. Charlie watches TV while Bella hand-washes all the dishes LIKE A GOOD LITTLE LADY. IN THE KITCHEN. Then upstairs to not do her math homework. “I could feel a tradition in the making.” I've said it before and I'll say it again: She knows her place, and she likes it.

The rest of the week happens. Nothing interesting.

Edward continues to not be in school. She still can't shake the feeling that she's the reason he's not there! Hmm.

Weekend is also boring. Charlie isn't usually there. The library has no books. It rains lightly so Princess and the Rain can sleep at night.

Monday there's an easy quiz on Wuthering Heights. I bet rereading the book helped you, didn't it, Bella?

Bella is surprised at how comfortable she's beginning to feel in Forks.

Then they go outside and it's snowing. And Bella says “Ew.” And I hate her. If you hate rain, you should PREFER SNOW. It falls more quietly, which is something you take issue with in terms of rain, and also it really doesn't get you as wet, in my experience. STUPID BELLA.

And she's never even experienced snow in real life, so I don't know how she can already decide it's “Ew” worthy.

THEN Eric (gross dork) throws a snowball at Mike (puppy dog)'s head! OMG! SNOWBALL FIGHT! Bella leaves, because she does not want to get “wet stuff” thrown at her. Haha, that's what— okay, nevermind.

Bella has a retort to my points about snow: “Sure, it was drier than rain — until it melted in your socks.” To which I reply: HONEY, YOU ARE WEARING THE WRONG SHOES.

Snowballs fly around Jessica and Bella as they walk to lunch. Then she FREEZES. There are 5 people at the table (the Cullen table, guys).

Her ears are hot and she decides not to eat lunch? She says she feels sick and glances at the table. To see if Edward is glaring at her, of course. But no! None of them are looking at her! They're laughing! They like snow! They look like a movie!

But there was something mysteriously different. Edward looks less pale. And... something else. She doesn't know what.

Then Jessica asks Bella what she's staring at, and Edward looks over at Bella AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT OMG.

Instead of looking like he wants to kill her, he looks curious and unsatisfied.

Bella looks down, Jessica is all OMG EDWARD IS STARING AT YOU, and Bella asks if he looks angry, which confuses Jessica. Bella tells her to stop looking. Bella considers HURTING HER if she doesn't comply. Whoa, lady. WHOA THERE.

Mike plans an epic snow battle in the parking lot after school, Bella observes that Jessica totally has the hots for Mike, and Bella plans to avoid the parking lot at all costs.

Bella had bargained with herself that if Edward didn't glare at her, she'd go to Biology. Whatever, that's dumb. You'd ditch class? Pfft.

It's raining and because Bella is an absurd and soulless human being she is glad that the snow is being washed away. Bella gets to class before Edward and doodles on her notebook.

Edward sits down and says “Hello” in a “quiet, musical voice.”

GASP! HE'S TALKING TO ME. He smiles, but his eyes are “careful.” He introduces himself, and she questions her sanity that the crazy murder-daggers he was staring at her last week even happened.  He says “You must be Bella Swan.” And Bella is all OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME.

So apparently everyone calls her Isabella? I don't buy this. Hasn't she been introducing herself as Bella? She's been here a week. I don't know, I think he could have heard what the only new girl's name is.

Class happens. Edward smiles at Bella and her brain temporarily melts.

And surprise, surprise, she's “done this lab before.” What? SPECIFIC LABS are the exact same as the ones you did at your old high school? This is so absurd.

Edward's hand touches hers and it's ice-cold but also AN ELECTRIC CURRENT runs through them. WHOA DUDE. ELECTRICITY.

Edward and Bella both know all their phases of mitosis, hurrah. This is the most boring scene full of 'tension' I've ever read. They finish before everyone else and then Bella tries not to look at him. And fails! She does a lot of that.

She asks if he got contacts and he looks at her weird. But she is pretty sure that his eyes were all black before, and now they're kind of golden. She suspects she's going insane.

And his hands are clenched into fists again. Goddamn woman, you really know how to push his buttons... in the bad way?

The bio teacher is all Edward, give the lady a shot at the microscope and Edward is all she totally identified more than half of these bitches, sir. Paraphrasing, of course.

Bella is soooo smart. The teacher figures that she's done the lab before, and this is the only reason she was able to do it. Actually I don't understand what she's trying to imply with the 'skeptical' expression the teacher has. Then he asks if was in an advanced placement program in Phoenix. And the answer is yes! Bella is sooooooo smart.

Then they start talking about why Bella is in Forks and she's all martyr martyr martyr and I'm all gag gag gag.

Edward feeds her martyr complex with the line “I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see.” Don't encourage her, Edward! Jeez!

Bella asks him why he cares, and he sort of responds under his breath “That's a very good question.” But he doesn't actually ANSWER her question. Because... blah. Then she scowls. He asks if he's annoying her, and she says she's annoying herself (?) because she's “so easy to read.”

But Edward says he finds her “very difficult to read.” Hahahaaaaa. Yeah.

Then he flashes his “ultrawhite teeth” in a grin. And Bella can't believe she's explained her “dreary” life to this “bizarre, beautiful” DOUCHE who “may or may not despise” her. Even though he'd been acting friendly, she notices his body language is DEAR GOD KEEP AWAY FROM ME. All tense and grabbing the table.

Class ends and Edward again whisks out of the room.

Mike “skipped” to Bella's side and she imagines him with A WAGGING TAIL. Bella. Okay, I know this is funny in a foreshadowy way, but it's also kind of bitchy, isn't it?

Mike covers Bella's position in their Gym class. What's woolgathering? She's doing it instead of actually playing volleyball. I've never heard this term before.

It's mistily raining, Bella gets into her truck, and notices EDWARD STARING AT HER OH EM GEE. She hastily reverses the truck and almost runs into a rusty Toyota Corolla (aww, that's the car my family had for quite a while... until it was too rusty to function!). Apparently Bella's near-collision with the Toyota, which would have destroyed the little Japanese car, makes Edward laugh, as she observes while driving away.

Twilight: Chapter 1

1. First Sight

Here we meet Bella Swan. And — this is telling — the first thing we learn about her is her CLOTHING PREFERENCES. (Well, we meet the unnamed first-person narrator, who is either a girl or flamingly gay (“I was wearing my favorite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet lace;” “My carry-on item was a parka.” Hah! This whole book would probably entertain me even more if it was about a guy who was inexplicably drawn to Edward. Now that I've thought it, there's probably already fanfic out there where Bella is Billy, instead. Um, I've let this train of thought go on long enough...)

She totally hates gloomy cloudy rain. So she's moving to Washington! It's a self-sacrificing gesture of the utmost unselfishness, you see. Yeah, that's why you can't shut up about how selfless you are. WHATEVER.

The “vigorous, sprawling city”? Um, vigorous? Um.

So, apparently Bella takes care of her “childlike” mother, and doesn't know how her mom will survive without her. Yeesh! I doubt it, because how can someone who can't even walk take care of anyone? Plus how did her mom survive all those summers when Bella was staying with her dad Charlie?

What's her mom's name? We don't know.

So we learn how you get from Phoenix to Forks, and it involves an hour drive which Bella is dreading because apparently she's not “verbose” and she's worried about awkwardness with Charlie.

They meet, awkward hug — ah, her mom's name is Renée — and get to driving.
Her dad bought her a CAR.

And she's all "errr what kind of car" and I'm all "YOUR DAD BOUGHT YOU A CAR. SHUT THE HELL UP."

Oh, okay, once she realizes she doesn't have to pay for it, she gets more grateful. That's all I ask, Bella!

Oh boy, she likes the hunk of truck her dad bought her, “to my intense surprise.” Mine too, Bella. Mine too.

“It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to st are dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.” Aw, she's such a MARTYR, moving to live with her apparently loving father. Squeeze out a few tears for yourself, Bella.

Bella laments her freak appearance – ivory-skinned, slender “but soft somehow” – oh yeah, you're a total freak. I don't know how you manage to walk down the street without people screaming and running in the opposite direction.

After a sleepless night and a quiet breakfast, Bella heads off to school!

Wait, I need to comment on this sentence: “Charlie left first, off to the police station that was his wife and family.” What the HELL? This sentence would get torn apart in a high school writing class critique.

Bella has something against a pretty, sprawling campus that doesn't incorporate metal detectors (seriously?).

She also has something against NATURE (“Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn't enough greenery outside.”).

Nervous about her first day at school: “I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.” BWA HAHAHA.

Bella breathes a sigh of relief when she realizes everyone here is a pale, pale caucasian, like her. Whew!

Also she apparently has already learned and read everything ever. Are schools so much better in Arizona than in Washington?

And yes, Bella, having your mom send you your folder of old essays IS cheating. Unless you're just going to use them to augment your research when writing the NEW ones. You cheating cheater.

Oh, then a nice friendly fellow with the unfortunate affliction of being a teenage boy (gangly, skin problems) is chalked up to "chess club type" when he tries to talk to Bella. Pfft.

Okay, I mean, even if she has a point, JUDGMENTAL MUCH?

Bella meets some girls at lunch but forgets all their names (okay, I'm guilty of this as well. Names are hard!).

It is during lunch that she spots “them.” And I think we ALL know who she means.

She describes them all in physical details. I care so little about this. Except for one: the short girl (“pixielike, thin in the extreme, with small features. Her hair was a deep black, cropped short and pointing in every direction”) sounds like my friend Philosophy, if Philosophy cut her hair short and dyed it black. I don't know if this is a character I'll like or dislike yet, so I hope I didn't just say something horrible.

Oh and guess what? They're all “chalky pale” — even paler than Bella (gasp)! Also it looks like they all got punched in the nose?

But why is she staring at them? Not because they aren't eating or talking or looking at her. Not because they're all skinny and pale. It's because they all look like airbrushed fashion models with the face of an angel (collectively?). Oh Em Gee.

They are like super-fast runway models. Uh huh.

Bella asks who these pale speedy models are. The girl she's having lunch with tells her they're Edward, Emmett and Alice Cullen (Alice is the short pixielike one), and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. Uhhh names. I'm like Bella in that I'm bad at them. And we only know who one of these names belongs to at this point, right? Hm.

She narrates about the name Jessica, and I'm not entirely clear what her point is.

And all the pale beautiful models live together (in sin? I think it's implied). Gasp!

But they're all foster kids. Foster kids who are all bangin' their foster siblings? Er... okay.

The guy she keeps paying attention to is — are you ready for this? I'm sure it's going to come as a big shock — Edward. He keeps looking over while they're talking about him and his family. Gee, I wonder what that's all about!

Edward looks frustrated the last time he looks at her during lunch.

Then, Bio class. Guess who is the only one without a lab partner, who then Bella is paired with by default?

A certain perfect-lipped boy who keeps giving Bella weird looks? May just be!

And now he's not just curious or frustrated, he is PISSED. It's the weirdest thing ever and I don't think something I'd respond to the way she does. Her first thought? OMG, do I smell bad?!

The answer is, of course, no. She smells like strawberries.

And once more Bella knows whatever everyone is learning already. Oh, you know everything there is to know about cellular anatomy, huh Bella? What the hell?

Edward is rigid and holding his hand in a fist the whole class period. He looks at her with “his black eyes full of revulsion,” which is WTF CREEPY but still does not excuse the fact the she used the phrase “He didn't know me from Eve.” I'm sorry, but I don't want to read this sentence in the narrative of a published book. No.

Edward hightails it out of there as soon as the class ends, presumably because he inexplicably hates Bella so damn much.

Bella's reaction is “He was so mean. It wasn't fair.”

Because this is the second grade?

Fortunately, some baby-faced aryan boy named Mike interrupts her whiny reverie. They walk to gym class, and bond over the fact that they're like the only 2 people in Washington who have ever seen sunlight (Mike is from California originally — there is NO SUN EVER in Washington, clearly).

Just when Bella thinks Mike is nice, he asks her if she stabbed Edward with a pencil (Haha! What if she had?). On account of he was looking at her so funny. Bella gets embarrassed.

The gym teacher's name Coach Clapp. I'm not even joking. He (?) goes through the trouble of finding a gym uniform for Bella, but then doesn't make her change into it. What? Why would he look for the uniform in the first place? SHEESH.

Bella feels nauseated watching people play volleyball. We are reminded that she is physically incompetent. Forks is her “personal hell on Earth” because P.E. is mandatory all four years of high school. Cry me a river.

Gym is the last class of the day, I guess, because next Bella has to go to the office to return her paperwork.

Who should be in the office but Hatey McBrooderson! I mean, Angel. No wait, I mean Edward! He's trying to get transfered to a different section of Biology — any other section!

Then someone else comes into the office and this somehow tips him off that Bella is standing directly behind him. He glares at her, and she narrates, “his face was absurdly handsome — with piercing, hate-filled eyes.” Mmm, just how I like 'em, fear-inducing and filled with hate. SO HOT.

This girl has issues.

Then Edward tells the receptionist never mind and whisks out of there.

Bella is totally embarrassed: “my face white for once instead of red” (doesn't she mean the other way around? Isn't it usually pretty... white?). She does whatever she needed to do in the office (what paperwork, exactly, did she need to return?) and then goes back to her truck, and sits staring numbly out the window.

Then she drives home and tries really hard not to cry.

I'm sorry, I might be weirded out if a dude I'd never met decided to HATE ME UTTERLY, but I don't know if I'd cry about it. Can we focus on the fact that not only does he look daggers at her, but they have never exchanged a single word? And she's ready to cry over this dude already? Oh, this bodes well. Yeahhhhh.