S1E02: The Harvest (b)

[The beginning of this episode's snark is here.]

Then Buffy wonders if anyone has any idea where the slaughtery Harvest will take place. Xander immediately pipes up that it's totally gonna be at the Bronze. YEAH I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT. And not just because I've seen this episode before, either.

They start heading out, and then Buffy says she has to stop at home for supplies. This turns into a stupid thing because Joyce only decides to engage in active parenting when it is LEAST CONVENIENT. She forbids Buffy from going out tonight.

Hahaha, she's making a parallel to 16 year old girls THINKING it's the end of the world. No dude, it's for real. Joyce makes things so hard.

Anyway, she leaves after saying she'll understand if Buffy wants to sulk.

Then Buffy gets back to gathering her supplies, and sneaks out the window.

Ominous footage of the sun sinking behind a hill.

The Bronze! Cordelia is talking about how boys suck. Except for senior boys. Who have cars. She also says that Jesse is like a little puppy dog and she wants to put him down. I know she means like, kill, but I feel like some sort of euphemism/innuendo could be teased out of that. Then she says when she goes shopping she always has to have the most expensive thing, "not because it's expensive, but because it costs more."

And then they go dance.

Meanwhile... I'm waiting for a vampire to make an entrance... COME ON. VAMPIREEEEE. Cordelia is a slightly better dancer than Buffy. Slightly.

Oh, hello, it's Jesse in the corner. His hair is kind of slicked back and he looks ominous and angry.

Jesse acts like a slick FUCK and gets Cordy to dance with him by being a dick.

Oh, then the rest of the vamps show up outside the Bronze with Darla leading the way. They're all in gameface and Darla look so cute and skippy and "ohh boy we're gonna go kill people!" This little-girl persona... they really get away from that later. It's kind of weird. I completely forgot she was ever like this.

As they start walking by him, the bouncer says without looking up that he needs ID. Then he looks up and see them and stops talking. Luke tells him to get inside. All the vampires go in and start fanning out. Darla is still grinning. They shut off the power.

Luke (by the way I stopped calling him Chanty but in case anyone forgot, Luke is Chanty from before) stands on the stage and tells anyone that although there is cause for alarm, "it won't do any good." People kinda scream because there is like one light and it is shining on his vampy face.

Then Cordy turns towards Jesse and he's in gameface. Haha.

They kill the bouncer, first. Luke says fear is like an elixir. Then he bites him.

We see the Master kinda looking up like "ohh, I feel something."

And we see the Buffy & co. are late! So Buffy tells them to go in the back (?) and she'll find another way. Xander says they need to get in there "before Jesse does something stupider than usual." Then Giles gets all serious and is like look, that is not your friend. not anymore.

We get a bunch of shots with some of Luke drinking and some of the Master pushing against the invisible forcefield.

Darla comes to take Cordy, and Jesse whines, "This one's mine!" Darla says, "They're all for the Master," and walks away with Cordy. As they walk away Jesse says, "I don't get one?" Aw, pouty pouty.

Now Luke is monologuing about how he feels the Master "growing" and "rising" dude, so homoerotic. ...Sorry.

Then Buffy says, "The vessel," and I think some vamps who are holding the spotlight that is lighting Luke - LOL THEATER TECHY VAMPS - look over at her.
Luke is telling everyone that they're making a noble sacrifice and acts surprised that there are no volunteers to get eaten. Darla comes up with Cordy. Cordy screams like a spaz and then Buffy kicks the spotlight vamps down off the scaffolding/whatever.

It's showdown time! SHOWDOWN!

Luke is excited to fight Buffy. She jumps down onto the pool table, a minion comes at her, and she stabs him with a pool cue. The recipient of the cue doesn't fall at first, and then we see the cue go back and hear a thud. What, he wasn't dusted?

Buffy asks "Vessel Boy" if he wants blood, and he says he just wants hers. So she cartwheels her way up on stage and they go at it! Kick! Smash chairs! Luke punches the air! She blocks some punches! Then pulls out her stake but he knocks it away and throws her at some boxes!

Giles, Xander and Willow finally get in through the back and Giles yells "Hurry!" I'm sure they know. I'm sure they weren't gonna saunter up to save the people.

Xander starts herding people out the back. I guess all the vamps are distracted by the awesome Buffy/Luke fight!

Oh wait here comes one, attacking Xander. Buffy sees and beheads it by throwing a drum cymbal at it, what's-his-name-style, from that Bond movie. Or like... a sharp frisbee.

Buffy almost starts to laugh and then Luke grabs her from behind.

Jesse starts like... totally trying to rape Cordy ("Hold still! You're not making this easy."), and then Xander comes up behind him and holds up a stake. Jesse turns around and calls him "buddy."

Luke, still holding onto Buffy and somehow weakening her by squeezing really hard? Says he's always wanted to kill a slayer.

Giles is herding people out when Darla comes at him.

Back to Xander and Jesse. Xander tries to reason with the soul-sucking shell that was once his friend. Aw, let it go, man. Didn't you hear what Giles said? Now Jesse is reiterating it by talking about "Jesse" in third person and about how much of a loser he was.

Luke is about to bite Buffy, whose head has dropped like he somehow knocked her unconscious. We see the rearing back of his head, and the fangs, and hear the monstery I'm-about-to-bite growl... And then Buffy HEADBUTTS HIM by snapping her head back really fast. He lets go and reels backwards. Hahahaa.

Then Willow throws some holy water at Darla and she starts screaming and steaming. Why doesn't this disfigure her? I thought holy-water-burns were forever?? Just like diamonds...

Jesse has Xander against a pole or a wall and Xander has the spike pointed at his chest or neck and Jesse is like scoff scoff you won't kill me. But then a girl runs past and shoves Jesse into the stake. He's dust.

Some more vamps come at Xander and we cut back to Buffy & Luke. She's weilding a mic stand. Luke says, "You forgot, metal can't hurt me." And Buffy says, "There's something you forgot about, too. Sunrise." And she throws it at the blacked-out window above the stage, and Luke covers his face and starts screaming and then  notices he's not actually burning. But by then she's picked up her stake or something wooden and stabbed him in the back. "It's in about nine hours, moron." And then he falls off the stage and dusts. The Master is still stuck and he's soooo sad.

Two vamps are trying to run off with a Xander-snack, when they look up to see Buffy in her pose from the opening credits looking at them. And then they just run away.

The vamps are running away from the Bronze, outside, and Angel shows up out of the shadows, and says,"She did it. I'll be damned." (on the broody inside he's thinking, "Oh wait, I already am. WAAAAHHH.")

The Bronze is empty except for Buffy and gang. They say they averted the apocalypse, and Xander says, "Nothing's ever going to be the same." What a two-part first-episode thing to say!

As if to scoff at Xander's claim, the next scene is a sunshiney grassy day outside of the high school.

Cordelia is gossiping about what happened at the Bronze as though it was gang warfare. And says Buffy knew them. And that she doesn't remember it very much.

Xander and Willow are like whoa man this happened. And Buffy nd Giles are like, yeah but nobody really wants to think about it. So they pretend it was gangs. Or whatever.

Hehe, Giles says they stopped the Master, it doesn't mean he's going to stop trying. "I'd say the fun is just beginning."

I might just need to recount like the rest of the dialogue. This is like CLASSIC beginning-of-series, first-episode-wrap-up.

Willow: "More vampires?"

Giles: "Not just vampires. The next threat we face may be something quite different."

Buffy: "I can hardly wait."

Giles: "We are at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may in fact stand between the Earth and its total destruction."

"Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school."

Then Buffy and Xander and Willow walk off and try to help her plan how to get kicked out. Willow suggests blowing something up. See, she seems mild-mannered but she's really a total psycho under all that cute, awkwardness. You'll see!

We end on Giles, who watches them walking away, then turns and pushes up his glasses and says to himself, "The Earth is doomed." And then walks away. It's very cute.

THIS IS THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE EPIC AWESOMENESS THAT IS BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

Stay tuned for episode three.

S1E02: The Harvest (a)

Still the original opening with the stupid voiceover. Bwaahahah, I just slowed it down, and it's hilarious!

And we're back to the scene where Chanty is coming at Buffy with his teeth, and she's all kind of whimpering like she's helpless, and then his hand starts making a hissing noise and smoking! He touched the big silver cross that Angel gave to her!

We know because they cut to a shot of her heaving bosom, where it is resting.

Chanty is distracted enough by his burning flesh for Buffy to kick him off of her, jump out of the stone coffin, and run out into the graveyard. Go Buffy, go!

She hears some noises that turn out to be a vampy dude trying to bite Willow. Buffy says "Hey!" and the vamp actually looks up, at which point she kicks him in the face! And he spins around in the air and when he lands he grabs his nose & runs away.

Then Willow looks up at Buffy, and Buffy looks down at Willow, and then runs off. She doesn't even say anything! Hehe. Willow follows.

A lady vamp and a dude vamp are dragging Xander across the ground by his arms. You need two people to drag him? Aren't you supposed to be super strong?

Willow shouts, "Xander!" in case the viewing audience forgot who he was, I guess. And the vamps turn around.

It seems like these vampires would be defeated at least a LITTLE less easily if they'd stop turning when people shout.

Buffy punches one of them and kicks the other! It's hilarious! Then she runs over and breaks a piece of branch off a tree trunk and stakes the dude vamp! I dunno where ladyvamp went.

Buffy asks where Jesse is. Willow says she doesn't know! Oh no!!!

Xander says that girl took him (Darla?). Buffy looks around dramatically and kind of whispers "Jesse." It's absurd for her to be this upset about this dude. She just met him, AND he's kind of annoying, AND he's clearly just a shell of a character whose minor functions Xander easily expands to fill. In later seasons, literally.

Opening theme, yadda yadda.

Then: Giles!! He's explaining that the world is super old, older than Creationists believe, but older than even our most trusted scientists believe, too! I think that's what he means.

And in the beginning, it wasn't all sunshine and roses. It was all DEMONS and CHAOS! BLARGHSLDKF!

And then eventually they lost their purchase on this reality (this seems like a very flimsy explanation, but whatever) and then mortals got to take over.

And Giles explains that there are some remnants of these demony types around, but like, diluted.

Like vampires!

Xander is like hold the phone, we're talking about vampires, and this is crazy.

Willow points out they're not just talking about them, didn't they see them last night? Buffy puts on her snarky sarcasm hat and says oh, no, those weren't vampires. they were just ugly. or maybe had rabies. that dude totally didn't really turn to dust, either.

Xander looks at her with a, I know you're being sarcastic but... I want you inside me face. Or... or some sort of face.

Buffy says she said the same thing (non-sarcastically) when she first saw a vampire. "After I was done with the screaming part."

Willow says in a very dazed voice, "Oh, I need to sit down." (She is sitting down, which Buffy points out, and in the same voice, she says, "Oh, good for me.")

Xander asks if vampires are demons, and Giles says that the last demon fed off a human and mixed their blood. And then they fed off of more! And made more! And waited for stupid mortals to die, and the "Old Ones" (demons) to come back.

Darla in the sewers. Followed by Chanty pushing Jesse ahead of him. Jesse doesn't sound like he's doing so hot.

And they're in the big lair/underground cathedral with the Master. Chanty says Jesse is an offering, and Darla steps forward excitedly. "He's a good one, his blood is pure!" she lisps through her fangs (I think her lispy fang voice is ADORABLE; forgive me).

The Master is like bitch, you taste my offerings before me? show some respect!

Master explains he can't leave the undergrond cathedral, as if we hadn't noticed last time when his hands did that weird thing with the invisible force field.

He says his ascension is coming up, and he grabs Darla by the face or neck or something and tells her to pray that by then he's in a better mood. Ho ho!

Darla begs forgiveness, and mentions there were others, but Buffy fucked shit up. Chanty backs her up on this, says Buffy fought well, and said it was possible that she may be... "The Slayer," the Master finishes.

And then we're back in the library with Giles and so forth, and Xander is all whazzat?

And Giles goes into the Chosen One spiel, and Buffy says, "He loves doing this part." So Giles does the abridged version. He seems a bit miffed. Aw, there there, Giles.

Xander is like, yeah but how do we kill them? He's always been like that!

Buffy says that's her job and they should just leave the slaying to the Slayer. It's her fault Jesse got taken because... she failed to stop it. Oh Buffy, that chip started out pretty big & just got bigger, didn't it?

I know we're supposed to care about Jesse, and I know that really we shouldn't care any more about Willow or Xander since we've known them just as long as Jesse at this point in the show, but... man, I really do not care what happens to Jesse.

Anyway, Willow points out if Buffy hadn't shown up, they all would've gotten taken. She's freaking out in that way where she's almost catatonic. It's cute.

Buffy reminds Willow to breathe.

Buffy says Luke (Chanty) talked about an offering to the Master. So Jesse might still be alive since it' wasn't just straight-up feeding.

Willow is like "Police?" and Giles and Buffy are like. Uh, no.

So Buffy is saying she tried to find them but "as soon as they got clear of the graveyard they could just voom" and Xander says, "They can fly??" Buffy: "They can drive." Hehehe.

But Willow doesn't remember hearing a car (yeah but weren't you freakout city? are you going to trust your memory on this? pfft whatever). Giles subtly mocks their intelligence while suggesting to look underground.

There's an electrical tunnel under the entire town! Good to know.

So how to find out the layout of this tunnel system (and fast)? Willow has a suggestion!

But it will have to wait, because we're back underground with the Master. He's intrigued by the idea of a Slayer. The next shot is of Darla, Jesse and Chanty/Luke, and I'm really amused at how Jesse is just standing there looking confused and almost annoyed? Not scared. But maybe it's the particular point at which I've chosen to pause.

Chanty's 'proof' that Buffy is the Slayer is that she fought him and lived. The Master: "Very nearly proof enough."

Then the Master is all, Ohh, the Slayer will come to save the meat (Jesse).

Cut to Willow's MAD HACKER SKILLZ. Perhaps one might even say... 1337? *grin*

They're looking at city plans on the computer!

Willow says she accidentally decrypted the city council's security system. Xander calls Willow naughty. Buffy gets frustrated.

That chip on your shoulder is showing, Buffy.

She starts complaining about how Luke snuck up on her and that's when she realizes. The entrance is in the mausoleum! We are treated to a brief flashback of him grabbing her neck.

So now they know where to go. Xander: "So what's the plan? We saddle up, right?" Classic.

Buffy is all no, this is my fight. Also classic.

Xander takes it personally that Buffy is the Slayer, and he's not. He considers this a jab at his manhood. JEEBUS XANDER. Jeebus.

Willow wants to help so Giles leans over her and suggests she help him research the Harvest ("Hell on Earth, rivers of blood. Quite charming.") He is leaning so close to her!

Giles reveals that he is a fuddy-duddy Brit who hates computers. He wants Willow to do research on "the 'Net" ...heheheee it's the '90s.

And Buffy is leaving campus! In the middle of the day! And she has some rather stylish sunglasses. Actually I think they're absurd, but whatever. They make her look like a Pink Lady or something.

Flutey is speaking in the first person plural, but he's really talking about Buffy. Given his clean-slate turnabout, he's now very watchful of Buffy. Well, I guess she did burn down a building. And she is trying to leave schoolgrounds in the middle of the day.

Buffy says "Mr. Giles" asked her to get a book for him. Then Flutey says "Well, maybe that's how they do things in Bri-tain. They've got that royal family and all kinds of problems" (LOL) but no one leaves campus!

Buffy is all okay, fine, and Flutey says she's a sensible girl with her feet on the ground. And right after he walks away, there's a closeup of her feet leaving the ground as she jumps over the huge iron fence in a single pretty much entirely vertical bound.

Does anyone remember defiance of gravity being one of the Slayer strengths? Dudes, she never does anything like this again. I'm pretty sure.

Willow is making a list of terrible things to research that might lead to vampires. For some reason natural disasters are included. This makes no sense to me, but whatever.

Xander reiterates his inferiority complex, re: doing stuff.

Willow and Xander talk about how everything is all topsy-turvy and they're the only ones who know. Bell.

Xander says Willow should get to class, and Willow says "you mean we" - so clearly he's about to go do something stupid.

Cut to Buffy sneaking into the mausoleum! Oh where oh where is the entrance to the underground lair, or where oh where could it be??

Turns out it's behind that door that's chained and padlocked.

Someone shows up in the shadows behind her, and Buffy says, "I don't suppose you've got a key on you?" It turns out it's Angel. He adjusts his cuffs and says they don't like him dropping in. It looks like he's in sunlight to me. But whatever.

They have slightly-hostile banter. This is when we learn Angel's name, and she tells him it's pretty. Angel tells her the Harvest is tonight. She shouldn't go down there unless she's planning to stop it.

He's not gonna stop it, because he's afraid. But the way he says it, he's all smirky and I don't buy it. Even though I think I'm supposed to.

Anyway then Buffy kicks the door down (with Angel smirking behind her). Buffy says there's a friend down there and asks if Angel knows what it's like to have a friend (he doesn't).

Angel says they'll know she's coming, she asks if he's going to wish her luck, and he does.

Once she's out of earshot.

For maximum broody-emo potential, of course.

She goes down some dark drippy stairs. A rat crawls over her impractical-for-kickin-ass shoes. Sound/look like high-heel boots.

She's walking slowly through the tunnel... slow drawn out shots... and Xander shows up behind her! She asks what he's doing and he says "something stupid - I followed you." No shit! He says he couldn't just sit around and Buffy tells him she understands. And then she tells him to go away.

Heed her advice, Xander! Damn it!

No, he's gotta help out his 'bud' Jesse.

He's skipping Chemistry to do this.

Xander lists the things that will thwart/kill a vampire - crosses, garlic, stake through the heart - before saying that he didn't actually bring any of that stuff. But he did bring a flashlight. He lights it to illustrate that it is a flashlight. And it does what a flashlight does. Buffy scolds him to immediately turn it off.

Buffy rattles off a few more ways to kill vampires. And starts telling a story about killing a former high school football player by trying to behead him with an Xacto knife. Nice.

Xander laughs uncomfortably.

And we're back in the library! Giles is reading his books (aka looking at the pretty pictures). And now he seems to know what's going on. "Of course. It's tonight." Thanks Giles, Angel already told us.

Then Cordelia and Harmony are in computer class and I am laughing because it is the '90s. They're talking about going to the Bronze. And then they're talking about Buffy and how she's crazy. And they talk about how she got kicked out of her old school for being psycho.

And Willow says she's not a psycho. And Cordelia tells her to butt out because she's boring and lame. Then Willow goes to leave, and Cordelia and Harmony are finally done with their programming assignment, and she's like "Okay, how do we save it?" And right before Willow leaves she says, "Deliver." Cordelia says, "Deliver? Where's that?" And looks around on the keyboard and then says oh! And presses the Del key. AND I LAUGH BECAUSE IT IS THE 90s.

(The program disappears and Cordelias eyes get wide right before the scene changes).

Buffy knows they're close to where the vampires are, because there aren't anymore rats. They see a body on the ground, only it's not a body, it's Jesse, and when Xander says his name he jumps up with a pipe as a self-defense weapon. It sounds like he's chained to something. Xander asks if he's okay. Jesse says "I am not okay, on an epic scale. We need to get out of here." Xander says, "It's cool, Buffy's a superhero." I like this line. On an epic scale.

She breaks the chain that's around his ankle and the start a-runnin' when some vamps seem to appear.

Jesse says they knew they were going to come, and that they said he was the bait. Then a ladyvamp shows up and Jesse says, "Oh, no no no." Buffy asks if he knwos anotehr way out, and he says maybe, and they start running another way.

Then they hit some kind of dead end. Xander says they can't fight their way back through those things, and "What are we going to do?"

Jesse's voice, offscreen: "I've got an idea." Pan to: VAMPJESSE. "You can die."

Who didn't see that coming? If you didn't see that coming, I'm going to have to come up with a punishment and get back to you. Because TSK TSK.

Buffy, I'm looking at you.

Jesse is happy to be a vampire because... he can hear the worms in the earth (Xander: "That's a plus.").

Jesse says the Master wants Xander to die. Buffy reminds Xander that he has a cross, so he holds it up. Then they keep talking. Xander: wha wha, we were buds. Jesse: you are lame and not a creature of the night like me.

Then Jesse somehow knocks the cross out of Xander's hand, then Buffy throws him out the door at the other vamps who are coming towards them, and then she tries to close the door.

Ummmm why can't she close the door? SHE HAS SUPER STRENGTH. Whatever, Xander helps her and is not useless because he manages to get the door closed.

Then he uses his flashlight to find an exit up at the ceiling! Some sort of sewer thing or ventilation thing or whatever, I don't know.

The vamps break down the door, though, and follow them through the vent and it's a crawling chase of epic proportions!

Xander gets a drain cover off and climbs up, then Buffy starts climbing up but a vamp gets her leg. She tells Xander to pull. He does and eventually the vampire is sick of his hand getting burned by the sun and lets go. Thrice useful!

The Master is none too pleased that Buffy escaped. "I should be drinking her heart's blood right now."

He's mad at some of his minions for letting Buffy get way. But he says it doesn't matter, she won't stop the Harvest - "it just means there will be someone worth killing when I reach the surface." He asks if Luke is ready.

So to teach them a lesson he tells one of the minions to apologize. He does. Then the Master says, "There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Then he says, "Hold on" - and stabs him in the eye with his pointy-nailed finger - "you've got something in your eye." OHH HAHAHAHA he means his finger.

Now more of Giles in the library! Giles hears some one come in and thinks it might be Buffy, but it's Willow. But she found something! She thinks. Maybe.

A rash of murders before an earthquake in 1937. Giles seems pleased. Giles says, "It's all coming together. [pause] I Rather wish it weren't." HE IS SO BRITISH.

Then we see some realyl ritualistic thing goin' on with Luke and Darla and the Master. Luke drinks from the Master's wrist in a room full of candles. Looks kinda like they're having a moment.

Then Luke says his body is Master's instrument.

Ohhh, so tonight he kills people, and the blood he drinks will nourish the Master, until he's strong enough to get out of his underground trap. And then, guess what? The stars will hide.

Darla, by the way, has been grinning stupidly in the background for most of this scene.

Annnnd we're back in the library. Willow is looking at a book. Xander & Buffy come back. Willow asks if they found Jesse, and they said they did, and she asks if he was dead, and Buffy says, "Worse." As an afterthought, she kind of apologizes to Willow about one of her oldest friends being dead and all.

Xander kicks a trashcan. Xander SMASH! He doesn't like vampires, guys.

Buffy wants to know if Giles has anything that can make the day worse. He says, "How about the end of the world?" APOCALYPSE NUMBER ONE.

This could be the slowest drinking game ever, drink every time the world is ending on Buffy. Or just waterfall for like an entire season okay and die. Nevermind, I'll go back to the Buffy-drinking-game-drawing-board.

Anyway. Buffy isn't that surprised by the end of the world. Already jaded.

Giles gives backstory. Some old old vampire (I'm guessing the Master) came to Sunnydale because it's "a mystical whosit" (Buffy's words, not Giles') - Boca del Infierno, the Spanish called it. HELLMOUTH. You heard it here first kiddies. First mention of Hellmouth!

He wanted to open the Hellmouth and let the old demons in. But he totally failed. APOCALYPSE FAIL. Someone make a LOLBUFFY with that caption for me, please. PLEASE.

But an Earthquake thwarted his plans and now he's stuck. Rreally I don't think they explained this part very well. Apparently he's a cork.

But we get the idea that he's stuck, and the Harvest will free him. It happens once in a century! Okay, now they're explaining everything we just say with the minion as a vessel drinking for the Master and yadda yadda. We also learn that he will have a symbol on him (Giles draws it on the board).

Buffy's like, okay, I will kill the symbol-wearer and  all will be hunky-dory. And Giles is like, yeah, basically.

[This episode's snark continued here.]

S1E01: Welcome to the Hellmouth (b)

[this is the second half of first-episode snark; go here for the first half]

And then we arrive at the Bronze, where there is always a live band playing. Buffy, totally spaz-like, thinks some guy she's never seen before is waving at her, so she starts to wave back and then notices that someone behind her is waving back and tries to pretend she was fixing her hair. You're not fooling anyone, Buffy. As someone who was one of the popular girls at her old school, she really seems to be very socially awkward...

She finds Willow sitting at the bar. She changed for the Bronze into a very granny-like dress with a big round collar and a brown old-man sweater. She asks Willow if she's there with someone, and Willow says no, she's just there. She mentions that she thought Xander was going to be there.

Buffy asks if they are a couple, and Willow says they're just friend. "We used to go out, but we broke up." Buffy asks why, and Willow says in kind of a stern voice, "He stole my barbie." Like she's still upset about it.

Buffy looks at her kind of bug-eyed and Willow explains they were 5 at the time. She goes on to say that she doesn't really date a whole lot. Or at all. Because she can't talk to boys. "I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away." Awww, awkward little Willow. Then she says "I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk." And Buffy says, "You really haven't been dating lately." Ba dum tssh!

Willow says it must by easy for Buffy, she doesn't seem shy. Buffy asks if Willow wants to hear her philosophy, and Willow says she does.

Her philosophy (aside: I am having trouble not capitalizing that, as these days I generally use that word only when talking to or referring to Philosophy, and not, you know, cogito ergo sum): Life is short. "Seize the moment, because tomorrow, you might be dead." This is the line that plays when you click 'play episode' in the DVD menu.

Then Buffy sees Giles up on the balcony thing looking very awkward. She tells Willow she'll be back in a minute, and Willow says she doesn't have to come back. Buffy repeats that she'll be back. After Buffy walks away, Willow says to herself, "Seize the moment," and kind of looks around.

Buffy goes up and finds Giles, and says, "So, you like to party with the students. Isn't that kind of skanky?" I think you mean sketchy, Buffy. Giles says all stuffy and British, "Oh right, this is me having fun." He says 'idear!' Oh, Giles. "I'd much rather be home with a cup of bourbon and a good book." I think he said bourbon. Did he say bourbon?

Buffy tells him he needs a personality, STAT. He has one, Buffy! It's cute and stuffy and British! Giles says the Bronze is a breeding ground for vamps, and says besides, he knew Buffy would probably be there, and he has to make her understand.

Buffy tells him, "That the Harvest is coming, I know. Your friend told me." Giles doesn't know what she's talking about. He asks her who told her, and she says, "This guy. Dark, gorgeous, in an annoying sort of way." Hehehe. She thought he was friends with Giles, but Giles doesn't know him.

Giles asks if he said anything else, and she says, "Something about the mouth of hell. I really didn't like him." Hah, irony. Or whatever. I love the way she delivers that line.

Giles kind of looks around and blinks. He needs a book, STAT!

As Buffy is leaning on the railing, Giles comes up behind her and tells her to look at everyone. Oblivious to danger surrounding them. Buffy says kind of sad and wistful and pouty, "Lucky them."

Giles tells her maybe she's right, maybe nothing is coming. "It's not as though you've been having the nightmares." Camera zooms a bit on Buffy, whose eyes are wide. REMEMBER THIS MORNING? SHE TOTALLY IS HAVING THE NIGHTMARES.

Cut to Cordelia talking about Epstein-Barr. "Nobody cool has Epstein-Barr anymore." Um, when was that cool? I'm so out of the loop.

Jesse comes up and Cordy says, "Yay, it's my stalker." Jesse asks if she wants to dance, and she says no and leaves with her posse. Then Jesse starts talking to himself in a very Xander-esque way and you get the distinct impression he's a superfluous character. Hm, how about that, huh?

Back to Buffy and Giles. She's saying she didn't say she'd never slay another vampire, she's just not going to get "way extracurricular" about it. Giles interrupts to ask if she will be ready. He explains, as if we haven't already noticed, that a vampire looks completely normal until the feed is upon them, whereupon they reveal their "true demonic visage." Buffy tells him he's like a textbook with arms.

Giles says a Slayer should be able to see a vampire without thinking. She should be able to sense them. He tells her to try to find one, that she has to hone her senses and focus.

Buffy interrupts his instruction, points and says, "There's one."

Giles says she doesn't know, and Buffy says, "Oh please!" And points out his horrible outfit. "Deal with that outfit for a minute." Giles asks if it's dated, and Buffy says, "It's carbon-dated."

Giles says, in a very adorably Gilesy way, "But you didn't hone."

Then Buffy notices that the girl that Carbon-dated is talking to is Willow. Giles asks, "What's she doing?" And Buffy replies, "Seizing the moment," before going down to save the day! As she is wont to do, you will learn.

But she can't find them! She goes back into some dark and quiet part of the club, and rips off a piece of a chair's leg. You didn't even bring a stake? Jeez, Buffy. You had one at school, during the day, but not now? Get your head out of your butt!

She looks around as ominous music plays. Someone comes up behind her, and Buffy quickly turns and pushes... Cordelia! up against the wall, holding her by the neck and brandishing her makeshift stake/chair leg. Buffy realizes her mistake pretty quickly, lets Cordy down, and Cordy says, "God, what is your childhood trauma?" We will learn the answer to this question in season 6.

Camera shows Cordy is with her posse, who are all looking at Buffy like she's crazy, which is understandable given the events I have just recounted. Buffy asks if they've seen Willow, and Cordy asks if Buffy wants to threaten her with the stick, too.

Buffy walks off because clearly Cordy et al are not helpful, and Cordy says, "Excuse me, I have to call everyone I have ever met, right now." Hehe, she was a really enjoyable bitch back then.

Giles finds Buffy in the crowd, and thinks she's already done her slaying. He says well done, and that he has to get to the library. Buffy tells him she didn't find them, and Giles grabs her arm. "So the vampire is not dead?" Buffy's witty retort? "No. But my social life's on the critical list." Oh ho ho! She's such a teenager.

Buffy says she'll take care of it, Giles asks if he needs to come with her, and Buffy says she can handle one vampire! Walks off, and we see Jesse talking to a blonde girl. He asks her name, and she turns and says, "Darla." Oh my! It's Blondy from the beginning of the episode! We've seen her demonic visage. Wink wink.

Jesse asks if Darla is from Sunnydale, and she says no, but she has family here. Jesse asks if he's met them, and Darla says he will. What could this mean? Only time will tell!

Back to Chanty McChanterson, who is waiting in front of a pool of blood. From the pool rises ugly dude from Buffy's dream. Somehow he's emerging completely dry and NOT covered in blood. Also he's got a pretty slick leather jacket. How nice.

He steps out of the pool. Only the soles of his shoes are wet with blood. Weird.

Chanty takes his hand and says, "Master." This is where a commercial break would be. So screen goes black, and comes back up on the same scene of Chanty kneeling holding Master's hand. He looks like he's about to propose!

Chanty rises and says the Master will be restored after the Harvest. We see there's some sort of invisible forcefield the Master can't get through.

The Master says he needs his strength, and Chanty says he sent some servants to get him food. The Master asks wistfully for him to bring him something young. It's almost cute.

Willow is walking in the dark with Carbon-dated. She says the ice-cream shop is this way (oooh, I want some ice cream!), and he says he knows a shortcut, takes her hand, and they start walking towards a graveyard which is clearly in nearly the exact opposite direction that Willow pointed. Come on, Willow! You're smart!

Buffy is outside the Bronze looking for Willow, and passes Xander walking the other way. Xander asks if she's leaving already, and Buffy asks if Xander's seen Willow. Did Xander change for the Bronze, too? I'm too lazy to check. I'm willing to bet yes. He's not wearing anything interesting though.

She says Willow left with a guy, and Xander says, "Scorin' at the Bronze. Work it girl-" and which point Buffy cuts him off, saying she needs to find them, but I'm pretty sure he was going to say 'girlfriend.' And either way, I'm laughing.

Xander says, "Oh, hey, I... hope he's not a vampire because then you would have to slay him." Clearly he thinks he's being slick. But he's really not.

Buffy gets upset and is like, was everyone notified? wtf? She asks if there's anyone who doesn't know she's the Slayer. Xander says, "I only know you think you're the Slayer." Then Buffy reiterates that they need to find Willow. Xander says, "You're serious." No shit, Sherlock! That conversation you overheard earlier was pretty serious, wasn't it?

Buffy says if they don't find Willow, there's going to be one more dead body in the morning. The camera zooms on her serious face. She is serious, guys.

Back to Willow and Carbon-dated. Willow is sufficiently creeped out to be walking through a graveyard. She asks if he's sure this way is faster. COME ON, WILLOW.

He asks if she's ever been in a mausoleum before. The answer is, "No. Thank you." And she turns away from it because uhhh no thank you.

Carbon-dated says, "Come on. What are you afraid of?" Pulls her hair back from her neck seductively, then throws her into the mausoleum. Willow says, "That wasn't funny!" Carbon-dated doesn't respond, he just walks towards her. Willow backs away and says she thinks she's going to go. Carbon-dated says, "Is that what you think?" and continues walking creepily towards her.

Ooh, Darla is at the door! She asks Carbon-dated, "Is this the best you could do?" And Darla says Willow is hardly enough to share. Carbon-dated asks why she didn't bring her own, and she says she did. Cue Jesse stumbling in holding a hand to his neck. Willow says, "Oh my god, Jesse!" And then he kind of falls over. He says Darla gave him a hickey, and Carbon-dated looks at her. Darla says she got hungry on the way.

Darla says Willow and Jesse aren't going anywhere until she and Carbon-dated have fed! When she says 'fed' she goes vamp-face and Willow screams. Just then, Buffy walks in! With Xander.

Buffy starts quipping about remodeling the mausoleum to make it more homey.

Darla asks who the hell she is, and Buffy feigns surprise that there's anyone in Sunnydale who doesn't know. She continues to quip. She scolds Carbon-dated for his outfit.

Then she turns to Darla and says, "Now we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually, there's just the hard way." Darla says that's fine with her. And Buffy asks if she's sure. "We're talking violence, strong language, adult content..." Hot! As she's talking, Carbon-dated comes up behind her but she pulls a stake from her shirt and stakes that mofo!

He turns to dust as he hits the floor.

Buffy says to Darla, "See what happens when you rough house?" And Darla says Carbon-dated was young and stupid.

Buffy tells Xander to go, Darla says, "Don't go far!" And then they start fighting. Exchanging blows as Xander, Willow and Jesse run away through the graveyard!

Buffy gets Darla on the floor against the wall, and starts complaining about how she wanted a fresh start, but no, there had to be vampires in Sunnydale, too.

Darla asks again, "Who are you?" And seriously? She's hella old. She knows about Slayers. This should not be so confusing for her. Maybe it's because most of them don't talk so damn much.

Buffy asks, "Don't you know?" And I must agree with her tone. Then Chanty grabs her neck from behind and lifts her off the floor, and says, "I don't care." Then he throws her across the room!

He picks up Darla and starts scolding her for not bringing the Master any food. Darla starts sounding like a little girl as she said they had someone, but then Buffy came. She says, "Luke, she's strong." I guess Chanty's name is Luke.

Chanty tells Darla to go, and he'll see if he can handle the little girl. Buffy gets up and starts fighting. Chanty says, "You're strong." Then he hits her across the room. "I'm stronger."

Willow, Jesse and Xander are running through the graveyard some more. Then, uh oh, a bunch of vampires are there!

Chanty says Buffy is wasting his time, and she said she had other plans, too. He pushes the cover off the stone coffin in the middle of the room, and Buffy does a flip over it! She gets him against the wall and pulls out her stake, but he grabs her wrist and oh no! It hurts!

He says, "You think you can stop me? Stop us? You have no idea what you're dealing with." As he's saying this, he has taken her stake and broken it and thrown it away.

Then he throws her against the coffin. He starts talking like he's quoting some vampiric bible. He calls humanity a plague of boils, etc. Says the Harvest will come. As he talks, we see Giles reading a book, the Master sitting in a fancy chair, a bunch of vamps in gameface out in the graveyard, including Darla.

Chanty finishes, "And Hell itself will come to town." And grabs her and throws her into the coffin. She's next to a fairly decomposed body/skeleton.

Everything is very quiet. Too quiet. She starts to get up to look around, and suddenly Chanty jumps into the coffin with her, says "Amen," and starts coming at her with his teeth! Then the screen goes black! To be continued! Oh my!

Yeah, it's a two-parter. What is going to happen next? How will our intrepid young Slayer fare? I presume he doesn't eat her, since it's only the first episode and that would suck (ba dum tssh!).

Stay tuned!